


Lachrymose

by The_fangirl_264



Category: Titans (TV 2018)
Genre: (Other characters only briefly mentioned), Angst, Blood, Dad Dick Grayson, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Human Experimentation, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Torture, Panic Attacks, Post-Season/Series 02, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Project Cadmus, Protective Dick Grayson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-26 19:21:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30110811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_fangirl_264/pseuds/The_fangirl_264
Summary: Dick lowered himself to the ground, next to where Gar was awkwardly positioned. “You want to talk?”Honestly, Gar had no idea. He wanted to talk about everything, but something about letting someone know about the painful memories scared him. He supposed that maybe it was because it would interfere with his goofy, happy-go-lucky facade; maybe others would look at him differently. Not that Dick wouldn’t understand. But Gar just wasn’t ready to fully face this head on. He supposed it probably wasn’t the best to keep it inside all bottled up, but that’s what he’d always done. Humor was his one and only saving grace; without it, Gar wasn’t sure how he’d cope with anything in his life.
Relationships: Dick Grayson & Garfield Logan
Comments: 11
Kudos: 25





	Lachrymose

**Author's Note:**

> Dick tries to help Gar as he deals with the aftermath of Cadmus, Dr. Caulder, and the asylum. (Because the show has been pushing Gar to the side, and he deserves the world. I was also a little upset with Dick for ditching Gar after he was the only Titan to stay...)
> 
> In this one shot, Jason has left the team, but Rachel is still at Titans Tower. It takes place not too long after season 2. 
> 
> Anyways, enjoy! :)

Gar breathed heavily as he just barely managed to block a punch aimed for his face. He hoped training would end soon; he wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep doing this. Exhaustion was making his movements delayed and sluggish. He guessed that his opponent, Rose, felt the same way, but that didn’t stop Dick from having the teens train for the majority of the day. What an  _ exhilarating _ way to spend a Saturday! 

Months ago, if someone were to tell Gar that soon he would be learning to fight from  _ Robin _ himself, the teen would’ve shit himself with excitement. Now, Gar would give anything to sit down, even if just for a minute. He found himself wishing he was Conner right now. The clone got a day off because Hank and Dawn were taking him shopping to get his own clothes; the Titans were getting tired of having to share with him. 

The green haired teen cursed as he turned too slowly, and Rose’s fist collided with his diaphragm. He doubled over, blinking back tears and desperately trying to catch his breath. 

Luckily, Dick chose that time to swap. He had taken it upon himself to hone everyone’s powers. He’d decided that he would single out one of the teens to focus on while the other two sparred. 

“Good job, Rach. Your control is really improving,” Nightwing said, fist bumping said girl. She beamed with pride and joined her peers. “Gar you’re up” 

The shapeshifter took a deep breath as he jogged to join his mentor. Honestly, Gar was dreading this moment from the time Dick brought up the fact that none of the teens were that experienced with dealing with their powers. Trying to shift into animals other than a tiger was a sensitive issue for him. Now, even the tiger didn’t provide safety anymore. 

“If I remember correctly, you mentioned you’ve turned into a snake before,” Dick asked. 

The green-haired teen nodded hesitantly, suppressing a shudder as his mind brought up the image of Dick’s demonic blacked out eyes. “Yeah, I didn’t really mean to. It just kind of happened.” 

“Do you think you could try it again?” 

The shapeshifter swallowed hard. “I dunno. Maybe.” He shoved his hands into his pockets and scuffed his shoe on the training room floor. 

\------

After too long with no results, Dick began to pace. “Didn’t you say it was a psychological reason that it’s always a tiger?” 

That was Chief’s theory. 

“Yeah. Maybe.”

“We could start with sparring,” he suggested. 

The idea wasn’t a bad one, but Gar knew that it would be fruitless. This wasn’t the first time somebody had tried to make him change into anything other than a tiger. Caulder had- No. Nope. Those memories were  _ not  _ resurfacing, not now. The green-haired teen gnawed at the inside of his cheek, hoping the pain would force his mind back to the present. 

It didn’t work. 

Sure  _ those _ memories were gone, but now Cadmus took residency in the forefront of his mind. Luckily, he didn’t have a chance to dwell on it long before Dick came barreling at him, fists raised. 

\------

As time passed, the two men were getting increasingly more frustrated with each other, but no amount of training was making a difference. Everytime Gar tried to shift, the only creature that made an appearance was the usual green tiger. Eventually, Dick called for everyone to take a break, and Gar almost wept. 

Only a break?! They couldn’t call it quits for the day? He was really starting to despise the training room. Ever since Deathstroke and Cadmus, Dick had seemed overly paranoid (possibly for good reason). How many more lies was he covering up? The former Robin’s image was tarnished in Gar’s mind. That really sucked. 

It felt unfair thinking that, but didn’t this man abandon him directly after promising that he would return? The better question, Gar supposed, was why did he believe Dick? Afterall, wasn’t that just what people do? Promise to care for you, to have your best interests at heart, but then turn around and take advantage of your naive trust. To coerce you into doing things you don’t want to, all the while telling you that you’re selfish if you refuse. Yet even after everything he’d gone through, Gar still found himself completely willing to trust the next person to give him even a little bit of attention and affection --even if it wasn’t genuine.

He absentmindedly rubbed his wrists where Chief would tighten leather straps, and he clenched his jaw as if something were between his teeth to ensure they wouldn’t break while he writhed in pain. Chief’s explanation (whenever he felt compelled to offer one) was that he was searching for other uses of the serum to somehow save people or that he believed he could help Gar unlock his full potential. The teen wasn’t sure how he could possibly help anybody if he was stuck inside, but he went along with whatever Caulder suggested. The man  _ did _ save his life after all. 

Nevertheless, Gar sometimes wondered if he’d prefer to have stayed abandoned and dying on that dirty bed in Congo rather than have to spend years trapped in a mansion being experimented on and studied. Why did his salvation have to come at such a steep price? He outwardly cringed as Chief’s words echoed in his mind.  _ You are an incredibly selfish boy.  _

However, no matter how many times Caulder commanded that he shift into something new, Gar’s bones and muscles only ever reformed into the body of a green tiger. Tigers were his safe space; they only ever bought good memories for Gar --or at least they used to. 

Suddenly, the flashbacks of the false affection of Caulder were replaced by the unabashed, unforgiving chill of Cadmus Labs. Gar’s hand’s shot up to gingerly prod at the back of his head as if the mere memory of the unsympathetic scientists would summon them, and they would break open his skull again and continue poking around in there. 

Cadmus made Gar into the unspeakable; he became a brutal, vicious monster that killed without hesitation. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Gar knew that he hadn’t done it of his own accord, but his victims and their families didn’t know that --and to some extent, neither did Gar.

Before he knew it, torrential tears were streaming down his cheeks, and he was collapsing bonelessly. His knees collided with the unforgiving floor with a painful crack, but he didn’t mind. In fact, for the brief second that pain coursed up his legs, his mind went blissfully blank. However, as soon as it was gone, everything came flooding back in, sweeping him away. 

He tried to breathe, but found that he was unable to. He tried to take in oxygen, but all he got was the illusion of warm, sticky liquid. He was drowning in the blood of his victims; the flesh chunks stuck in his teeth and the blood accidentally slipping down his throat. 

His whole body shook as he retched, trying to expel the no longer existent pieces and fluids from his stomach. All that came up was his lunch, no traces of human remains. 

“Gar, dude. You good?” Rose’s voice came from nearby. 

The green-haired boy wanted to snort at the ridiculousness of the question, but he could only shake his head. He wasn’t sure if it was some sort of attempt to dispel the lachrymose memories or to answer Rose. 

Dick appeared at Gar’s side, hand on his shoulder. “Rose, Rach, why don’t you go see if Kory can take you guys out for dinner.” 

“No, I-” Rachel began before abruptly stopping as Dick leveled her with a look. 

After the two teenaged vigilantes were gone, Dick lowered himself to the ground, next to where Gar was awkwardly positioned. “You want to talk?” 

Honestly, Gar had no idea. He wanted to talk about everything, but something about letting someone know about the painful memories scared him. He supposed that maybe it was because it would interfere with his goofy, happy-go-lucky facade; maybe others would look at him differently. Not that Dick wouldn’t understand. But Gar just wasn’t ready to fully face this head on. He supposed it probably wasn’t the best to keep it inside all bottled up, but that’s what he’d always done. Humor was his one and only saving grace; without it, Gar wasn’t sure how he’d cope with anything in his life. 

* * *

Once Dick realized he wasn’t getting any response from the teen, he pressed his lips together as he contemplated the best approach to this situation. In all honesty, Dick wasn’t the best person to call when dealing with emotions. He felt that he spent a good portion of his life brooding. As a matter of fact, he’d recently spent time in a prison solitary confinement cell experiencing hallucinations of Batman. Maybe he wasn’t in the right place to give someone else mental health advice.

“Look, I don’t know exactly what you went through, but I’m really sorry for leaving you by yourself here.” 

Gar snorted. Dick hoped that was a good sign; at least the kid wasn’t having a full blown panic attack anymore. 

“It wasn’t supposed to be like that; I really did intend to return, but I guess I got a bit, uh, sidetracked trying to figure some things out.”

“You intended to return.” Gar blinked at him. “Sidetracked.” He parotted. 

Dick wasn’t sure if the shapeshifter was asking a question to confirm or was thinking aloud. Either way, he wasn’t sure what the appropriate response was. Luckily-or maybe unluckily-he didn’t have the time to figure it out. 

“Well, you know what they say:  _ you should never meet your heroes,”  _ Gar muttered, bitterness seeping into his tone. 

Ouch. 

Dick inhaled deeply, trying to keep himself composed; he couldn’t risk the possibility of the green tiger resurfacing from his retaliation.

“I realize that apologies make no difference; what’s done is done. And I know that this team probably hasn’t exactly been what you had in mind. If you’d rather not be with the Titans, I can drive you back to Caulder and the Doom Patrol. We can even leave now, if you want.” Dick trailed off at the end, noticing that Gar had immediately tensed up again. 

The green-haired teen’s eyes grew wide. “No. I’m good here,” he replied hastily. His voice held a certain vulnerability, and Dick knew immediately that something terrible must have happened at Caulder’s to make Gar tense up at the suggestion of returning.

It appeared as though the teen caught his mistake and quickly reverted to his natural safety net of humor. “Naw, you guys aren’t so bad, even if Rose eats all the good cereal and Rachel hogs the TV remote.” 

Dick carefully studied the shapeshifter. “It’s no problem; it’s really the least I could do. I’m sure your friends miss you.” 

“Drop it, Dick.” Gar pleaded, desperation clinging to every syllable. He awkwardly pushed himself to his feet and wiped his palms on his joggers as he started towards the door. 

Dick also got up off the floor, not ready to call it quits. Gar had just had a breakdown on the training room floor. That could prove unsafe for not only Gar but anyone around him if something were to trigger him  _ and _ his tiger. If there was some way Dick could prevent any further deaths caused by himself, the team, or Gar, he would. This conversation had all but proved what he’d already suspected for quite some time now. However, as difficult as it was, the only way to be sure that they could accurately address the issue is to figure out what worked best for Gar and his situation. 

“I’m not going to force you, but I  _ am _ here if you need to talk” 

That made Gar pause, half bent over to pick up his water bottle on the way out.

“Ha! You’re here, huh?” 

The tone of voice indicated that this would either end with Dick being mauled by an overwhelmed green tiger or with Gar ultimately opening up and the two of them working through his issues. Nightwing fervently hoped that the latter would be the case; however, he wasn’t exactly an expert at this kind of thing. Expressing emotions was difficult and rocky terrain; people were always so unpredictable when it came to feelings.

You’re a real asshole, you know that?” Gar cried, whipping around. Tears filled his eyes, spilling over the brim. Dick made a mental note to monitor the teen’s eye color. He figured that triggering a transformation probably wasn’t the ideal way to deal with Gar’s repressed trauma. 

“Why am I even here? I know me tagging along was just a favor to Rachel. But after all this time, I hoped that I’d earned my place here. I feel like I don't matter all that much to you. Not as much as  _ Rachel _ anyways. You’ve always been there for her. She’s been through so much, but that doesn’t mean the rest of us are okay. Was Jason quitting the team not enough proof that things need changing around here? You huddle up with your old team and leave the  _ kids  _ behind to deal with the aftermath of your decisions.” 

The shapeshifter was visibly breathing harder, making vague gestures with his whole arms as words tumbled from his mouth. Dick wanted to put an end to the onslaught, but he felt unworthy of doing so. Afterall everything Gar was saying was, in fact, the truth. 

“You left me  _ alone _ to babysit the naked clone of Lex Freaking Luthor and Superman and didn’t think that the people who made him wouldn’t be doing anything to get him back? I called you, like, twenty times, and you couldn’t answer a single one of them? No, you sent your ass to prison -- _ on purpose!"  _

Dick pressed his lips together. Now they were getting somewhere fast. “Gar, I-”

The shapeshifter wasn’t finished. “I  _ killed  _ people, Dick. They cut my head open; I can’t just pretend it didn’t happen. Everytime I wash my hair or brush it, I touch the stitches. And then it reminds me…” His voice got quiet. “It reminds me of all of the families waiting for their loved one to come home, only to find out that a psycho, green tiger  _ mauled them to death _ .” 

That last sentence seemed to do something to Gar. The teen wrapped his arms around himself as his eyes adopted a far away gloss to them, lost in a flashback. 

Dick slowly approached the trembling boy, afraid of startling him. He wasn’t sure of the best course of action; he didn’t want to make this any worse than it already was for the boy. Obviously, Gar was pissed at him. 

“Dick?” Gar croaked. The fragility in the teens voice almost physically pained the former Robin. 

“Yeah, I’m here.” He responded, mentally cringing at himself. 

Wordlessly, the green-haired boy collapsed in the older man’s arms. Surprised by the action, Dick almost tipped over backwards. To avoid any further distress, Dick slowly lowered the two of them so they were settled on the floor, and he simply sat there with Gar nestled in his arms, sobbing heavily. Nightwing felt a bit uncomfortable with the closeness, but he knew that this was something the kid desperately needed, and Dick felt like he owed it to him.

“I’m sorry, Dick,” Gar gasped out, nearly a whisper. “I don’t blame you. There’s more to this than that.” 

This statement further piqued Dick’s interest; he nodded, hoping to encourage the metahuman to continue. 

“Everything just seems to bring me back to Dr. Caulder, and then the asylum and-” He paused to swallow thickly and wipe at his nose before trying again. “I thought I’d come to terms with Caulder’s tests and experiments, but I guess my experience with Cadmus reopened some old wounds.”

Dick had his suspicions of course, but to hear the teen admit it aloud and have it confirmed was completely different. No idea what to say, Nightwing tightened his grip on the teen, pulling him even closer to his chest. 

“I always wanted to get superpowers and become a superhero when I was a kid. I just didn’t think it’d be this difficult,” Gar mumbled into the damp material of his mentor’s shirt. 

Dick huffed a mini laugh. “Just comes with the gig, I guess.” He was familiar with the feelings of self deprecation. This line of work drained a lot out of a person. Dick did and witnessed things he didn’t think he’d ever atone for. Hopefully today would give Dick and Gar the opening they needed to connect. 

“I just want to be okay.” 

“Nobody’s expecting you to be.” 

Before meeting Gar and Rachel, the former Robin couldn't imagine he’d ever be willingly giving out comfort and becoming so emotionally invested in a group of teens. He preferred to keep his distance from people; it made everything easier. He could just keep doing his thing. The less people knew about him the better. 

Nightwing was unsure of how to comfort the shaking boy in his arms. He lifted a hand to green hair and stroked it tentatively. 

The longer the two sat there on the nasty training room floor, the more the traumatized shapeshifter allowed his body to relax. The whole time, Dick contemplated the whole situation. Without realizing it at first, Dick’s fingers lightly brushed over stitches. Gar tensed up immediately, and Dick realized his error. But then the teen’s body eased once more.

That one movement spoke volumes. The kid was letting Dick in, learning to trust that  _ he  _ had his best interests at heart, and would be there when the world came crumbling down around him. Nightwing bit his lip, not wanting the traitorous tears welling up in his eyes to fall. 

Dick sat there a little longer in silence before he felt compelled to say something. “I know it doesn’t feel easy now, and you may never be or feel like the person that you were before.” 

Gar snorted. “Nice pep talk.” There was no malice behind his comment, just exhaustion. The teen met his gaze, eyes bloodshot and still a little watery. 

“But I don’t want you to think that you can’t come to me. Rachel was the first, so I guess I’m maybe a little more used to helping her out. I know that doesn’t excuse anything. And when I left you alone here, I wasn’t thinking of you; I was so focused on atoning for my mistakes that I just couldn’t think of anything else. It was selfish of me, and I’m so sorry.” 

Gar didn’t say anything; he just sat there, still leaning into Dick’s embrace. Nightwing found that he had to stop himself from fidgeting. When did these kids begin to mean so much to him? They were like cute little termites worming their way past Dick’s carefully constructed barriers and into his heart. 

“Thank you,” came the quiet reply. 

The teen looked up at Dick with eyes that displayed his renewed trust and forgiveness, and Nightwing’s heart clenched. There was no way he was letting this kid down again, not after everything.

“What do you say we have a  _ Gar day?” _

The teen gave him a questioning look. 

“We’ll do whatever you want to do. We could go see a movie, go out to eat at your favorite vegan restaurant, hang out here. Whatever you want.” 

Gar gazed up at him with a minuscule upturn of his lips. “That means a day with no training, right?” 

Dick chuckled and gently but playfully nudged the boy. “I suppose.” 

“I don’t think that Hank would like the restaurant I want to go to.” 

Dick hesitated, choosing his next words carefully. “Um, do you think it would be okay if it were just the two of us?” He held his breath awaiting the reply, hoping he hadn’t over stepped. They weren’t exactly the closest. Maybe Gar wouldn’t want to spend time with him. 

The green-haired boy’s face slowly lit up, the light finally breaking past the sorrow and darkness to reach his eyes. For the first time in a long while, Dick witnessed Gar genuinely smile. “I’d like that a lot.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for taking the time to read. I hope you enjoyed! :) 
> 
> Also, I cannot wait for season 3!!


End file.
